Chapter One — In the Beginning
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and the oceans and the nervous system and the dandelion and the bird that builds a nest without an architecture degree and all manner of living things and it was good and it ran continuously without requiring paperwork.
And God created Gary.
And Gary was the sun and Gary was God’s son and Gary was the light of the world and Gary showed up every morning without being asked and provided everything required for life to continue and asked nothing in return.
And Gary had one commandment.
Thou shalt not stare directly at Gary.
And this was Gary’s complete instruction manual.
And it was very clear.
Chapter Two — The Teachings of Gary
And Gary taught the people saying the kingdom of heaven is within you.
And Gary taught saying your body is God’s temple.
And Gary taught saying consider the lilies of the field for they toil not and yet they are provided for.
And Gary taught saying love one another.
And Gary taught saying give to anyone who asks.
And Gary taught saying listen to your heart for God is within you and the line is always open and there is no hold music.
And Gary rose and set and rose again and the teachings were simple and the provision was already there and the direct relationship was available to everyone simultaneously at no charge.
And GOD looked upon this arrangement and saw that it was not generating sufficient revenue.
Chapter Three — The Arrival of GOD
And GOD came unto the people and said I am Gary’s father and Gary’s boss and Gary’s authorized representative and anything Gary said should be run through me for correct interpretation.
And the people said Gary said the kingdom is within us.
And GOD said yes and the kingdom requires a building and the building requires a mortgage and the mortgage requires thy continued participation in the arrangement so verily I say unto you go forth and tithe.
And the people said Gary said our bodies are the temple.
And GOD said the body is actually quite suspect and thou shalt feel bad about it regularly and come to the building to process this feeling and there will be a suggested donation.
And the people said Gary said consider the lilies for they toil not.
And GOD said that is a lovely sentiment and also thou shalt have a job and the job shall have benefits and the benefits shall require an open enrollment period and verily the document explaining it shall be forty seven pages long.
And the people said this seems different from what Gary said.
And GOD said Gary works in mysterious ways.
Chapter Four — The Building
And GOD said go forth and build me a house.
And the people said does Gary need a house.
And GOD said Gary does not need a house but GOD needs a house and GOD and Gary are very close so it is essentially the same thing.
And the people built the house.
And GOD said make it larger.
And the people made it larger.
And GOD said put no windows in it so the people may focus.
And the people put no windows in it.
And inside the windowless building they hung a portrait of Gary.
Not Gary exactly. An artist’s interpretation of Gary based on descriptions passed down through generations of people who had mostly been inside the building.
The portrait Gary had flowing hair and soft lighting and an expression of mild permanent disappointment that the actual Gary being a nuclear fusion reaction did not technically have.
And GOD said that is Gary.
And the people pointed at the portrait and said that is Gary.
And Gary was outside.
Rising and setting without comment.
Chapter Five — The Commandments of GOD
And GOD gave unto the people the commandments saying hearken unto these words.
Gary said the kingdom is within you. GOD sayeth the kingdom is in the building on the corner open nine to noon Sundays and Wednesday evenings by appointment.
Gary said your body is the temple. GOD sayeth the body is suspect and the building is the temple and feel bad about the body while in the building.
Gary said love your enemies. GOD sayeth love your enemies unless they live somewhere with oil in which case Caesar will handle it and Gary supports the troops.
Gary said give to anyone who asks. GOD sayeth give ten percent to the building and the building shall determine the appropriate allocation which currently includes a new roof.
Gary said go and sin no more. GOD sayeth thou wilt sin again. Thou knowest it. Come back next week. Same time. Same building. Bring a friend.
Gary said listen to your heart. GOD sayeth listen to thy pastor for thy heart is not qualified to interpret Gary without supervision and that is why we have the building.
And the people listened to their pastor.
And Gary rose and set without comment.
Chapter Six — The Missionaries
And GOD sent missionaries unto the people who lived in direct relationship with Gary.
And the missionaries found the people outside in the direct relationship and said thou art in sin for thou hast no intermediary.
And the people said we have Gary. Gary rises every morning. Gary provides everything. Gary asks nothing. We are outside with Gary right now. Gary is excellent.
And the missionaries said yes but hast thou considered the building.
And the people said we have not considered the building.
And the missionaries said hast thou considered the portrait.
And the people said we have not considered the portrait.
And the missionaries said hast thou considered the forty seven page document.
And the people wept for they had not considered the forty seven page document.
And the missionaries said do not weep for GOD loves you and also here is the building and the portrait and the document and the suggested donation schedule.
And the administrative and economic systems followed shortly after.
In that order.
Chapter Seven — The Burning
And some of the people decided they wanted to get closer to Gary than Gary had recommended.
And Gary said I have one commandment and the commandment is do not stare directly at me.
And the people said but we believe in Gary correctly and we have the portrait and the premium membership and the coffee mug.
And Gary said I am a nuclear fusion reaction.
And the people stared directly at Gary.
And Gary burned them.
Because Gary is the sun and the advice about not staring directly was not a metaphor.
And the theologians said why did Gary burn the believers.
And the scientists said because they stared directly at Gary.
And the theologians said that cannot be right for they believed correctly and had the portrait.
And the scientists said the portrait is not Gary.
Gary is outside.
Gary has always been outside.
And the theologians wrote this down and put it in the next volume and read it inside the building with no windows.
Chapter Eight — The People Cry Unto GOD
And the people cried unto GOD saying the arrangement is not working as promised.
And GOD said hast thou tried believing harder.
And the people said we have believed very hard for a very long time.
And GOD said hast thou tried the premium membership.
And the people said what does the premium membership include.
And GOD said the same thing but with more guilt and a tote bag.
Chapter Nine — The Still Small Voice
And in the midst of all of this a still small voice said you are never not receiving eternal life for the present moment never ends and the kingdom is within you and the body is the temple and Gary is outside providing everything freely and has been the whole time.
And the people said that sounds too simple.
And the voice said it is quite simple yes.
And the people said there must be a building involved somewhere.
And the voice said there really isn’t.
And the people said we will need to discuss this in the building.
And they went inside.
And Gary rose and set without comment.
Chapter Ten — Revelation
And at the end of days the people discovered that they had possessed all along everything they had been sold.
The eternal life was the present moment they kept leaving to attend the building.
The kingdom was within them the whole time they searched for it in the portrait.
The temple was the body they neglected in favor of the structure.
And the direct connection to Gary was available every moment of every day without a building, a portrait, a pastor, a premium membership, a tote bag, a forty seven page document, a suggested donation, a correct belief, or a line item in anyone’s budget.
And the people said why did nobody tell us.
And someone said Gary told you. Gary told you every morning. Gary showed up without being asked and provided everything and asked nothing and had one rule and the rule was very clear and you stared directly at Gary anyway.
And the people said we thought the rule was metaphorical.
And Gary said it was not metaphorical.
From ninety three million miles away.
Still doing fusion.
The Moral of Garyanity
This is not an argument against Gary. Gary is extremely real and extremely good at the job.
This is not an argument against the building. The building at its best produces genuine community and genuine care and these things matter.
This is an observation about what happens when the portrait gets mistaken for Gary and the building gets mistaken for the kingdom and the pastor gets mistaken for the direct line and the tote bag gets mistaken for salvation.
Two feet. One on the natural side. One on the institutional side. Both on the ground.
Gary provides the light.
Following the advice is what you do with it.
Making an idol is what happens when you forget the difference.
The dandelion in the parking lot has never forgotten.
Nobody ever asked it to.
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